TiffanyScottMaddox

29th July 2010

Post with 1 note

Celebrity Masterchef

I have a new obsession, it’s called Celebrity Masterchef and it’s not very good.

If you don’t know the format, basically the BBC drags a few D-lister TV whores out of the dole queue and shoves them in a kitchen before forcing them to cook in front of cameras. The celebrities are desperate for more air time, the food is rubbish and the producers are seemingly using the program as an excuse to play all their favourite indie hits.

It’s presented by Greg Wallace (or Bald Masterchef as I call him) who is some kind of veg salesman and John Torode who is apparently a chef, but I’ve never seen him on Saturday kitchen so I can’t comment on how legitimate he is.

Let me break down a typical episode for you.

The show opens to some kind of weird intense club music that wouldn’t be out of place in a Dutch film about undercover cops. There are lots of close ups of knives being sharpened and water boiling. At this point Bald Masterchef bellows “Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!!!” and then we meet the celebs.

At this stage they’ll be asked about food and will either give generic answer A or generic answer B.

Answer A: “Food is everything to me really, I love experimenting and fusing together different styles. I grew up around food, my mum was always cooking and I want to bring some of my Jamaican/Southern/Asian/South American/Indian (delete as appropriate) influences into the kitchen”

Answer B: “To be honest, I don’t really cook that much as home, but I’m here to learn and do the best that I can do”

One thing that really gripes me is the sheer number of Celebrities who openly admitted they couldn’t cook on a program called Masterchef. That’s like saying “I’ll literally do anything to be on TV, anything. Do you have any shit you need eating? Prime time on BBC2? I’ll DO IT”

They then go through a series of cooking challenges, which consist of them ‘experimenting’ and making ridiculous combinations of food to abstract drum and bass then having Bald Masterchef and Co. judge it. FYI The way Greg eats soup is so weird it’s unreal, I find myself transfixed every time.

After each challenge, someone goes through to the next round. Cue uplifting music as one celebrity stands there with his/her head in their hand saying “I can’t believe it, I’m over the moon. My wife/husband/daughter/mum is going to be so proud”

The rejected contestants walk slowly out to the changing area and hang up their aprons, here there will be some Snow Patrol playing as they shrug and talk about how disappointed they are. They’ll usually say “Of course I’m going to keep cooking” as if a day filming on the set of Masterchef has the ability to create kitchen phobias.

So that’s Masterchef. You can see why I love it.
(P.s. I screencapped this picture of Greg Wallace earlier. It makes me laugh every time I see it)